Year 3.

So I didn't post on my three year anniversary. I was busy celebrating by skiing with my boyfriend and my Dad, and then all of a sudden it was April. That was bad of me because everyone has been so supportive and you deserve an update. I apologize for neglecting my blogging duties.

April is National Donate Life month, so this is an appropriate time for a blog post. If you are not already an Organ Donor, please become one. The impact you will have on an individuals life, their family, friends, and their community is really beyond words. Presently, several people close to my heart need organ transplants. My Aunt needs a new liver, my friend Talana needs new lungs, and my friend Kari also needs a new liver. (Both Talana and Kari have cystic fibrosis like me.) Follow this link to become a donor today, and please spread the word to your friends, families, and your community. http://www.lcnw.org/

As the third year of my transplant life rolls along I find myself still in a continual state of transition. Most other transplant patients I know say it took them about five years before they felt like they returned to a state of "normal." That time line seems to be true for me so far as well. Being able to breath is the dominant feeling, but year to year my body is still making a lot of changes and I still don't feel like I have reached my new equilibrium. It is an interesting journey to say the least.

I tried working two different jobs in 2011, being back working felt good because I had not been able to do that in such a long time, but it was also very difficult. Even though I can breath now, I still do not have normal energy levels. I cannot work a full eight hour shift and do all the other things that normal healthy people do in a work day. Like go to the grocery store, do laundry, run a few errands, or go out for a beer with co-workers. I basically have to go home immediately and go to sleep, so that I can have enough energy to get through the next work day. The most difficult part of this is explaining my restrictions to bosses/managers. The fact that I look so normal is a disadvantage in this situation, it is VERY difficult to paint the picture of life with CF and transplant life and the challenges they present when you don't look sick at all. When I was hauling around an oxygen tank all hollowed eyed and emaciated and weighing maybe 118lbs it was fairly easy to convince people I was ill.

I struggle everyday thinking about what the hell I am going to do for income and a job. I do not qualify for state disability aid, and I am way too young for my social security to kick in. I am presently back in school (yay!) slowly working towards finishing my bachelors degree someday. But even if I am able to finish that, I don't know what kind of work I can do. I will need an INCREDIBLY understanding boss and a job with lots of flexibility, (which I am so far convinced doesn't exist.) I don't think I will ever be able to work a 40 hour week either.

I have been talking a lot with the social worker at my transplant center, asking what other patients have done with this problem. She is an awesome lady and very honest, and is very open about the fact that they do a really good job of getting people new organs but a horrible job of preparing people for life after transplant. I have always had to think outside of the box in order to participate fully in life, so I will just continue to do that and hopefully figure something out someday.

In the meantime I am enjoying being back in school, and it has been really sunny in Seattle and sunshine always makes everything better. (Especially in April in the Pacific North West.) It is beautiful in the city, there is still snow in the mountains, and climbing season is right around corner. All in all life is good.

(Oh, AND I can eat spinach again! Why is that exciting you ask? Well, I have this long list of can't eat food because of transplant and spinach was on that list because there were so many instances of E. coli and other gross bacteria that can make you sick, growing on spinach so it was blacklisted for people with compromised immune systems. But it is safe again, so I can eat it now! It never fails that when someone says you can't do something, or can't have something, you want it really bad. Believe it or not, but I have been craving spinach for the last three years, and now I can finally have it! Spinach salads, here I come!!)

I hope life is treating all of you well, I apologize again for the delayed blogging. Please help spread the word about Organ Donation.

Love and Light,

Emily

Birthday Post

Hello family, friends, and others!
So today is my birthday, and it is a particularly special birthday for me and my parents. This is the third birthday I have had since my transplant, and each birthday I have post-transplant where I wake up happy and healthy is quite the milestone.
Another thing that is special, significant, and unique about this birthday is that I tuned 28. When I was first diagnosed with cystic fibrosis the average life expectancy at that time was to the age of 18. Today I have beaten that diagnosis by ten years. That feels fucking awesome.
I have my donor to thank for being alive today, without her I would not be here. I also have my parents, my friends, everyone who supported us through the transplant and ensuing months, my doctors, every health professional who has ever treated me, and my transplant team to thank for me being alive today. A special thank you goes to Nicky Connors, who so selflessly came with us to all the surgeries, spent countless nights with me in the hospital, spent months of her time not working and staying with us in Seattle, and always being there, even at 4 in the morning. Most importantly she kept me and my parents sane. Thank you Nicky, it is hard for me to tell you how important you are in my life.
This has been a bumpy year, but where I find myself today is happy and at peace with a lot of things that in the past have caused me turmoil and stress. I look forward to this new year and what it will it bring; good, bad, exciting, stressful, frustrating, and happy. Whatever it is I am excited to live it, after all that is why I have fought so fucking hard to stay alive and why I got this transplant, so that I could live.
So much love to all of you. I hope you find many blessings and love in your life.

Hello friends and family. Today is my two year anniversary for transplant!!!! The time has gone by so fast, and yet so slow at the same time. This year has been filled with many a deep breath as I find my way through the transition of healing and recovering, to figuring out how to live a normal life. (normal being a relative term of course.)

Today I am reflecting on many things, and continue to be in awe of this whole transplant process. This day of February 16th will always be a duality for me. While I and all of you celebrate the fact that I am alive and continuing on with these new lungs, there is a family somewhere who is grieving. This day is a reminder to them of the loss of their loved one.

That duality of celebration and grief is something that I will always be turning over in my head, trying to understand the philosophy and meaning of it all.

I do not dwell on it and I do not feel guilty. However, the fact that today marks the anniversary of one person's death and another's life is a duality I cannot quite wrap my mind around.

What I can do is breath deeply and live fully for my donor and her family, and for me and my family.

To the right you see me and an extremely phallic looking Eiffel tower. I am holding a sign that says "Thank You UWMC." (as in University of Washington Medical Center.) I spent about 8 weeks traveling in Europe this past September and October. That trip was a mixture of experiencing the joy of traveling by myself, a victory lap for getting my transplant, and a big Fuck You to cystic fibrosis. It was amazing!

I hope this finds everyone well. I continue to prove that I suck at blogging, the last post was in May 2010, so most likely see you next you year, same time, same place. Except that it will be a thursday and not a wednesday. Much love to you all.

-emily

At the request of Joan's mother, and many others, here is a current picture of me. This is from New Year's when I was out painting the town red with some friend's. Sorry it took so long Joan!

Broken Cartilage

This is a random little update. Two months ago I had a freak accident with my dog, Gus. Through a series of random events he slammed into my chest at full speed. 60lbs. of Golden Retriever slamming into any one's chest would hurt, so slamming into a rib cage that is still recovering from a transplant surgery REALLY hurt. It completely knocked the wind out of me and I went down like a sack of potatoes. Everyone was very worried about my lungs, hoping nothing had happened to them. I got examined and x-rayed and it was determined that my lungs were fine and I had probably bruised some cartilage.

Well two months later I was still having intense pain and could not sleep because the pain about doubled when I tried lay down, I knew something was going on. (Not to mention I was slowly beginning to go insane from sleep deprivation.) So I made and appointment with my pain doctor for while I was up here in Seattle. Turns out my cartilage isn't bruised, it is BROKEN. Ouch.

The Doc' gave me a big lidocain injection (which hurt like a mother f---er) but helped a lot with the pain. I just have to give it time to heal (which will take FOREVER because I am prednisone. Prednisone is an anti-inflammatory , so it has basically obliterated any inflammation in the body. (I am on this drug as part of my cocktail of meds to prevent rejection of my new organs) the thing is, you need inflammation for cartilage to heal, because that is what triggers the growth of new tissue to heal the brake.) Sooo, that is why it is going to take forever to heal, because my inflammatory process is interrupted by the prednisone.

So broken cartilage obviously sucks, but I am very, very glad that the pain has nothing to do with my lungs.

ONE YEAR!!

Today is my one year anniversary for my transplant!!!!!!

There are many, many things swirling around in my head today. Even after a year I still can't quite wrap my head around this whole beautiful madness of transplant.

I have been thinking a lot about my donor's family this week. While I celebrate being alive and looking at my future, I know my donor's family is feeling the pain of this being the first year with out their daughter, sister, wife, friend, or mother. It is not that I feel guilty, even though I was so desperately hoping for new lungs, I had no actual control over who my donor would be. Still, it is a never ending psychological and philosophical chase and train of thought of how this cycle of life with in the transplant world works.

My heart goes out to them especially today. I hope knowing that her heart is still beating, that her lungs are still breathing, that her liver is still filtering, and that her body is helping so many other people, can offer some kind of comfort too them.

As y'all know this has been a rough year. Having a transplant is super intense just by itself, but then I had a handful of other unforeseen speed bumps disrupting my recovery. I am not out of the woods yet, but I venture to say that I am doing the best I have since my second operation in September. I really, really hope I can transition into a steady and strong regaining of strength from here. I am no where near where I thought I would be at the one year mark, but nothing ever goes as planned now does it? ;) I continue to push ahead, but I also can't help peeking around corners before I walk forward, making sure there is nothing else huge lurking in the shadows waiting jump out and get me. I have had the rug ripped out from under me too many times.

So, the sun is out (I am in Seattle house sitting for Ted and Rosanne) since sun this time of year is rare, I would like to think it is out and shining some for me on this special and significant day. I celebrate this evening with my friend Lisa, who is also a cystic fibrosis patient and had a double lung transplant 3 years ago. When I get home next week I will have a belated celebration in Eugene.

I have a question for you all that me and my folks have been pondering. I was transplanted last year Monday, February 16 on Presidents Day. So obviously February 16th is on a Tuesday this year, but President's Day is still on Monday, and always will be. So is my anniversary the 16th or is t President's Day? Or do I get both? Let me know what you think.

Thank you to EVERYONE who gave their love and support to us last year. We could not have done this with out our family, friends, and broad support group mad up of so many amazing people!! I have so much love for you all. Thank you.

xoxo,

emily

Hello everyone, this is a quick hello. I am headed to Seattle tomorrow once again for a broncoscopy and an appointment with my pain doctor. I will do a real post soon to let you know whats been going on. The most important thing is that I am doing very well, and sleeping the best I have been able to sleep in years. Sleeping well is a complete novelty for me, so I am thoroughly enjoying this new phenomenon. It is amazing what having an adequate amount of air allows your body to do.